What should I do? As a pwbpd who has been hurt and used by another with bpd? (tw / abuse, manipulation, drugs, disordered eating, self harm) - long post

2021.10.22 09:29 015101 What should I do? As a pwbpd who has been hurt and used by another with bpd? (tw / abuse, manipulation, drugs, disordered eating, self harm) - long post

This is about the person I discussed in my previous post... Please be kind, this is a vent, and will be very long and disjointed.
I fucked up. I went back to him and I fucked up. I saw so many red flags but I was so desperate for a shred of hope and I wanted to treat him with kindness, be there for him and give him the benefit of the doubt. I sent him a lot of money, money that he used for drugs. He lied about what a lot of the money was used for, but of course I knew drugs were involved. Hell he even had me unknowingly text his plugs a few times, and I did pick up for him once.. We would do them together. I know I enabled him, and I will probably beat myself up over it for the rest of my life because by enabling him I allowed him to walk all over me, and disrespect me.
The other day his tone shifted and he said his friend would call me as she didn't believe that I hadn't been to his. I genuinely believed he lost his memory and went into psychosis due to the stress he had been under, so I was fully prepared to dispute what he was saying.
But he was trying to tell me to lie, he was telling me to delete things, and try to make out I'm innocent. The girl who is probably his only friend left called me and said he had been lying about everything. Lying about how much he worked, lying about living with his ex when we first met and started talking, lying about sleeping with others, supposedly lying about what he thought of me, etc. The first lie he told me, on the first night I met him, was that he hadn't had sex in 4 months nor been in a relationship for 2 and a half years.
This friend is also a fwb of his, and she knew something was bad and that he was lying about me and doing everything to hide the fact I exist. Shit went down a couple months ago, as it came to a head he was cheating on his ex, but no one knew about me then. No one really knew about me until this week. When she looked on his phone and saw our messages.
He told his friend that I was nothing, someone of lesser value to manipulate, I was fat and ugly, I was bad in bed, that he only used me for sex, drugs and to get off his face, that he was only being nice to me so I don't kill myself. He lied about me going to his, us having baths together, us sleeping together, me being in his bedroom... He also tried to say I was a stalker he had known for 5 years. We only began talking in June. I feel like a lot of what he said about me to his friend was exactly what he thought she wanted to hear to keep her sweet and to try to cover his back.
He would obviously say the exact opposite to me in person, about how I was the only one for him, and so on. The thing is though, I know I can't be angry at him for sleeping with others when it wasn't even a boundary we discussed, we're kinda kinky and had some very out there plans and fantasies, and I had also slept with others during the time we were talking... So, I genuinely feel I cannot be angry about that specifically.
As everything was going down I sent him a long vent, in hindsight I probably shouldn't have, but it made sense to send it based on discussions we had had. I just told him that I wasn't happy with him lying, that I'm sure he had his reasons, and that he needs to sort it out because the guilt will only worsen his mental health. I also said I was prepared to stick around if he communicated with me. I needed to get it out otherwise I'd stew and beat myself up for not saying more.
His friend saw the messages and told me to stay away because of all the awful things he said to her about me, and how he apparently hates me. Despite him calling me a beautiful, wonderful humanbeing and saying how much he wanted to look after me, not even 24 hours beforehand...
Apart of me was always attracted to the thrill. I actually got a slight thrill out of sending him money, and of course spending time with him, etc. What we were doing felt like our little secret, it was just us two alone together, no one knew what was happening between us in his apartment, and it was fun. We had a lot of plans to go on dates and trips away, but they never came into fruition.
He knows I have bpd too and a history of self harm and an eating disorder... we talked about it, yet he seemingly did everything in his power to trigger my issues - whether he was fully conscious of that I don't know. I always offered to help look after him on his supposed bad days. I wasn't comfortable with the extent of his drug use and I knew I needed to say something about it, because I figured he would use all day, every day, if he could whereas I can manage my usage to a few times a month. I felt like I would have been crossing boundaries if I said something, as it wasn't really something we had talked about. But at the same time I felt like I had to observe before I could say much... I even saw him hide a baggie I bought... He must have thought I was stupid. I don't know maybe I'm far too passive, no questions asked and prepared to lose myself in another person to be in a healthy relationship - especially with someone just as or even more fucked up than me. I will say, I wasn't at his beck and call all the time. He begged me to go over to his a lot. There were many times where I had to exercise boundaries for various reasons and turn down his invites invites and requests.
I've been talking to his friend, who is in contact with his family so we can both get our money back. But I don't fully trust her. I'm paranoid that they're just laughing over messages I've sent both of them. And that all of this is just an elaborate sexual scheme, but at the same time, I have told her everything he's done, I've answered all of her questions and sent proof of things he's tried to hide from her.
He currently has me blocked on our preferred messaging app, and he has blocked my number. His friend and I are both expecting him to split on us, with him suddenly hating her and coming back and being nice to me... I'm not certain I can stay away if he chooses to message me again. I want to see him again despite everything. As far as I'm aware, he doesn't know the full extent of what I know about him. His friend said she hasn't told him anything we've discussed. But obviously, I can't be too sure. I suppose my main priority is getting my money back.
How do I make peace with this? I feel so numb, my abandonment issues have been triggered, but at the same time I'm not angry. I knew, I had my suspicions. I had jokes I wanted to say to him like "oh do you say that to all the girls you see?" or "was the noise complaint your neighbours made against you from when you had someone else over?"
I haven't eaten in 3 days. Please I know I have done a lot of wrong in this situation, but I am fully aware I wouldn't have made these mistakes if it weren't for his plethora of fuck ups... and his disrespect for my trust and kindness.
Help.
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2021.10.22 09:29 JP513 What would you do with this gloves? I like to have a very pet

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2021.10.22 09:29 oliv2015 Configurations électroniques des gaz rares

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2021.10.22 09:29 illiterate_janitor What do you guys thing about this? Should I allow this guy to trade?

I’m the commish and one the bottom teams just told me if he loses this week he’s going to start selling his best players to contending teams. Should I allow him to make any trades after saying this? Seems suspicious
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2021.10.22 09:29 g00ber88 LPT: at the end of every month, read through and every single financial transaction you had for the month- (bank accounts, credit cards, etc). You will notice if there is any suspicious activity, or services you're still paying for but not using

I have heard way too many stories of people who didn't notice fraudulent activity on their account or didn't realize they were still paying from subscriptions they never use. If you take the time just once a month to read through all the transactions, it will ensure that you know exactly where every cent that came out of your accounts went.
As a secondary benefit, you will notice if you're spending a lot of money on unnecessary purchases.
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2021.10.22 09:29 ivanoski-007 She happily slept on the cereal box last night.

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2021.10.22 09:29 tksieciuniu Im done with some peopel

I will only stick to lgbtq+ friendly subreddits from now on. I just cant get through all the homophobic bs that is commented on posts mentioning lgbtq+ stuff. People are W a c k (to say the very least 💀)
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2021.10.22 09:29 Thatnikeedude Girls, how would you react if you know your boyfriend had same-sex experiments when was 10-12 y.o., but he is 100% straight?

I know it's normal to have same-sex experiments as teen, but I feel kinda ashamed of it and I didn't liked it.
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2021.10.22 09:29 Oppurtunityl SAT optional or not?

I got a 1440 on my SAT should i submit it in ED or go SAT optional (720 in English, 720 in Maths). I was looking at the Class of 2024 stats and they have a median of 1500 but the 25th percentile is a 670 english 730 maths, im confused on wether to go SAT optional or not because I am hoping for a full ride
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2021.10.22 09:29 ShipsRat When TG4 heard the nightclubs are open again

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2021.10.22 09:29 Southern_Ad_5727 AU21Capital has invested in Cortex App to support our mission of a web that belongs to the users

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2021.10.22 09:29 v4g4nus Movies like Buffalo 66, Paris Texas

I really liked how dark, lonely, emotional and dreamy the cinematography and attention to detail in Gallo's movie. It reminded me a bit of Paris Texas, Taxi Driver, Place beyond the Pines, and at times felt Lynchier than Lynch's films (especially Blue Velvet).
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2021.10.22 09:29 officeupgraded How To Organize Your Small Size Workplace

How To Organize Your Small Size Workplace
https://preview.redd.it/qhu4vsrpwzu71.jpg?width=970&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=32cc376eac623653492c70133d55614611ea37d7
You may be thinking that an office is an office, and all offices need to follow the same standard. This is true in most cases, but when it comes to organizing furniture, there are many different strategies you can keep your small size office organized.
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If you have a closet or wardrobe in your office, this can also be used to store things such as clothing, decorations, extra supplies, and other miscellaneous objects. If you do not need it to hold these items, you can remove the doors and use the inside of the wardrobe to store things.
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Whether or not you use small furniture, try adding a cabinet or storage unit of some sort. If you do not have an under-the-desk shelf, cabinets will come in handy for extra storage. Another option is to use filing cabinets instead of drawers because they can store more papers and still keep the room as organized as possible.
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2021.10.22 09:29 JBizznass Philadelphia councilmember calls for hearings over SEPTA safety concerns

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2021.10.22 09:29 Headgum_Channel_Bot Fourth Video Episode - The Headgum Podcast - 73

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2021.10.22 09:29 yeho_meta SaylorJungle, 1 Hour of Relaxing Michael Saylor speaking about Bitcoin

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