Navigating a Painful breakup with a dismissive avoidant

2021.10.22 11:10 zenhelps Navigating a Painful breakup with a dismissive avoidant

Hi everyone! I'm here to learn how to deal with this breakup, and how to be a better version of myself.
I need to vent, I hope that's OK?
I (39m) was in a VERY intense roughly nine month relationship with a dismissive avoidant (32f) person. We met while traveling in Mexico where she's from, and the sparks flew instantly. Holy shit! We both said it, never felt that strong of an energy before in our life. Funny thing is my stomach was telling me to RUN AWAY! Get as far away as possible. But, hey, who listens to their gut? 🤦🏼‍♂️Lol
She was in this city, alone, far away from her city, to heal. She left her job, apartment, boyfriend, friends, etc. To find herself, find her career path, and double down on making anew version of herself. Well, three days in guess who she meets at a shared table in a cafe? This anxious attachment guy right here!
We had many arguments. She told me repeatedly she did "not want a boy in her life" yet kept staying around and kept calling and texting and meeting me. Confusing.
A little over a month after meeting and doing a silent meditation retreat at the same center, we began to live together in hotels as we traveled and explored the country. There were many flare ups, and her answer to this was always the same - walk away and silent treatment. I wanted to sit and talk and hold each other with love and work it out and find a middle ground.
Sometimes she would disappear for a day or two with only her purse and clothes on her back! This really triggered my old abandonment traumas and made me a fragile and scared version of myself.
When we met she had not spoken to her mom in months due to an argument they had. I didn't think anything of this and thought, OK maybe it's justified. Fast forward a couple months and her family is on a ski trip in USA, and her dad and sister get into an argument and her dad leaves! Leaves the country, leaves the family and heads home! Another warning sign that she didn't have the best examples and also a warning of how she may navigate tricky times. I didn't pay attention.
This story hurts still, a lot!......
She was always telling me about her male friend who was supposed to pass through where we were. He was supposed to do this multiple times over the course of different months, on his way to the beach and to party. She wanted to party with him too and do mushrooms and said I can come or not but she is absolutely goof and doing drugs with this man, he is my important friend! My gut went crazy each time. Jealous, insecure, uneasy, sweat, uncontrollable breath. Something just wasn't right but I did not know what. I'd act in ways that made me look like a shell of a man who did not love himself and was insecure. I asked so many times, have you ever hooked up? Her answer was always the same - NO! This is the same woman who told me she has zero male friends because she always kisses them or is attracted to them. He would send her texts often, and memes that I would consider sexy and inappropriate for male/female friends. She did not hide these and was very open often times sharing and giggling. I was never amused, only jealous and hurt.
We split up in May and stayed in loose contact for a while. She asked me not to text, I had a hard time respecting this boundary (hello anxious attachment), and texted her.
Fast forward to July and we were back to texting and video chats daily. Things were going well again.
One day she sent me a meme she made in art class of a motorcycle. I ask if she likes motorcycles (I know the answer, she hates them!), and she says no. I ask if she's been on one? She says yes, three times, and did not enjoy it. I ask with whom?.... the man who I have had a bad gut feeling about for six months now. Fuck me, my world crashes in.
I think........Three times on the back of a motorcycle you hate?! So, I ask - have you kissed him? Mind you she has denied this for six months and caused gigantic arguments in the relationship over tus subject. Her reply was "yes". My heart sinks. I ask more - have you fucked him? "yes, once". I'm crushed. I ask when this happened and she says August and then I do the math, they did mushrooms in November at a party at his house though she swears that it was in a group and as friends. This is all before we met, so it's not cheating. But the lies, the lies crush me.
I know what you're thinking (walk away) and I didn't do that. I own that and the pain that I now have.
Couple weeks later we are still talking, I appreciate her honesty, and she came to my country to see me for a week. I definitely noticed huge differences in her behavior, words, energy, etc. She clearly had been doing some work on herself. So, I decided to fly back to her country in Latin America and live with her again.
This went well for about a month, and then one day a small disagreement over where to eat erupted into a two days long argument. I was really hurt and did not show up as my best self, I admit that. I could have easily ended it if I had just said I need a little alone time to process. But the anxiety monster came out and said "if you let her out of your sights, she's gonna leave you and go fuck another guy".
She broke up with me as her entire family was in town for an event. I am close with her family and love them, and we still stay in contact today.
I foolishly stayed in the same apartment, same bed, and acted like we were still together for the next nearly two weeks. We didn't have sex, but we did snuggle and largely still hung out together. She joined me and my friends on a trip to the mountains and we bonded much closer there and it felt like we were getting back together. Holding hands, trading I love you, and being very close and loving physically and emotionally. When she drops me off at the airport I tell her I will be back and I would like to see her. She says "please just flow. No plans, just flow. If we are meant to be together, the universe will make that happen"
I arrive back to USA, have a couple of great video chats with her and she says she wants to speak two days from now about the falling out in front of her family, and wants no contact until then. I make smart-ass comments on how I want a partner who doesn't shut down and who can communicate with me when things get hard, no silent treatment. We have the video call days later, and I respect her request for no contact. She officially breaks up with me on this call, citing all the things I did wrong. Asks for no contact. The next day I video call her, and she answers but won't put her body in the camera. She's not happy about me making contact after she asked for none. I ask if she's OK and she is not pleasant but stays on the call.
Later that day she transfers money to me that she owed me, and tells me that it's clear I do not respect her as I can't even give her the space she asks for. I tell her that the way she asks for space feels like rejection to me and feels like the relationship is ending.
A couple hours later, without warning she blocks me on all social media and all communications. Silent treatment.
It is better she did this, as I would have dragged the pain out and not taken the steps I have. But fuck does this hurt!!!
That was almost two weeks ago. I am still crying everyday.
I have bought and started to read The New Codependency by Melody Beattie.
I have signed up for and begun a 10 week Mindful Self Compassion course by Chris Germer and Kristen Neff.
I am listening to podcasts about dating, courtship and showing up in my masculine energy.
I want to be better and shed these anxious attachment issues.
Thank you for allowing me space to vent.
submitted by zenhelps to AnxiousAttachment [link] [comments]


2021.10.22 11:10 horationk Bars/venues for dancing that aren't techno clubs?

Hi Amsterdam!
Amsterdam obviously has an incredible club scene. But sometimes your not looking for something which is soooo...clubby? Are there any bars/venues you know which have live music or DJs, and dancing? But where you don't really need to know who is playing and where the range of music would be broader (e.g. dance, hip hop, fusion, world)? This probably sounds like a lot of conditions but I'm basically thinking about bars where dancing happens :) all suggestions appreciated.
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2021.10.22 11:10 MaoStevemao The differences between `(&)` and `($)`

I'm playing with https://github.com/polysemy-research/polysemy-zoo/blob/mastetest/ConstraintAbsorberSpec.hs
``` let p = (throwOnZeroAndNegative 0 & absorbMonadThrow & runMonadCatchAsText & run) == Left "ZeroException"

let p' = run $ runMonadCatchAsText $ absorbMonadThrow $ throwOnZeroAndNegative 0 
```
The first fails to compile
• No instance for (S.MonadThrow (Sem '[Error SomeException, Error T.Text])) arising from a use of ‘throwOnZeroAndNegative’ • In the first argument of ‘(&)’, namely ‘throwOnZeroAndNegative 0’ In the first argument of ‘(&)’, namely ‘throwOnZeroAndNegative 0 & absorbMonadThrow’ In the first argument of ‘(&)’, namely ‘throwOnZeroAndNegative 0 & absorbMonadThrow & runMonadCatchAsText’
But shouldn't both be the same? Did I miss anything?
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2021.10.22 11:10 rose_thefox23 Ok, hear me out!

Did you guys know that Lore looks like Edd from Eddsworld?
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2021.10.22 11:10 Raidertomboy ATTENTION ALL MEMBERS OF PCMP

It seems that u/T_Stud left no one to run the elections in his absence, therefore, u/AdministrationMain94 will be running the elections. Anyone running for an office please write below and he will add you to the election.
Yours Truly -u/Raidertomboy
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2021.10.22 11:10 sudpaygude Sound like a charm on the iPhone SE even without it’s dedicated app.

Sound like a charm on the iPhone SE even without it’s dedicated app. submitted by sudpaygude to galaxybuds [link] [comments]


2021.10.22 11:10 UpVotieGirll Rewatching S3 EP4

Does anyone else think that it’s messed up that literally everyone Rebecca has ever known gets told about her Psychiatric history? I get that Paula was alarmed but that seems like something Rebecca has the right to keep to herself. Especially bugs me the way she just casually hands the file to Nathaniel who they were just rolling their eyes at for overestimating how well he knows Rebecca. If he knows her so little why does he get her sealed record? I feel like the show kind of acts like Rebecca lashing out was understandable and the confrontation was handled poorly, but it never looks at if it was ok for all that to get passed around friends, friends of friends and two of her bosses in the first place.
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2021.10.22 11:10 melwah2 Realistic Family Ideas and some ideas in general

  1. It would be cool if we could be a PR manager in the game and run accounts for corportations etc
  2. Add more accidents to the game. If we go on a vacation to Spain by flight there should be a risk of having a plane crash
  3. Let us buy guns in the game and practice shooting on courses
  4. Let us be born into religions and a denomination in that religion
  5. If we are a mayor we should be able to build religious places
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I’ve never worked in a time for a 5 dollar peak pay before. From what I’ve seen, people say you won’t get orders. It’s pouring rain though so we shall see. 😑
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